Warning: This blog may be a bit TMI (Too much info) so if
you don’t want to read about my cycles then this isn’t the blog for you!
As you guessed from the title, I am currently in my 2 week
wait. For those of you who are unsure what this means, the 2 week wait or “2WW”
as it is commonly known amongst those TTC (Trying to Conceive), is the time
between ovulation, and the next expected period, which is usually anywhere
between 12 and 14 days. This part of a woman’s cycle is called the luteal
phase. And it is horrible. It consists of symptom spotting, line eye, becoming
a POASA for some (Pee on a stick addict as we call it in the ttc world) and
intense mood swings. If you have no idea what I am talking about, don’t worry I
will get into that, but first I’ll give you a bit of history as to why I am so
stressed out in a time where everyone claims to be so relaxed. Now this next
bit will be a bit intense (not so much gross, but more so a lot to digest) so
please bear with me. This will probably be a long blog so if you don’t have
time to read the whole thing you are best to come back later, but I will try
and shorten it. I will also add that some of this may come as a surprise to
some of you and keep in mind a lot of this I haven’t told many people before (if anyone)
and I am still a bit sensitive about parts so please also keep this in mind.
I guess I will start at the beginning. I started dating my
now husband, Jamie, just after I had turned 18. I was on the pill when I first
met him and had recently had a cycle that was 2 weeks late, but didn’t think
anything of it. After about a month of dating Jamie, I noticed I had missed a
cycle, so I decided to stop taking the pill until it came. I decided to go to
the doctor to make sure nothing was wrong and he told me to come back in a few
months if I still didn’t get a period as sometimes engaging in an “actively
sexual relationship” can throw things off (for those of you who are wondering,
yes Jamie was my official “first”. Cue girly teenage giggles). In January I
indeed went back to see the doctor who did yet another pregnancy test, when it
came back negative, he informed me that there was definitely something wrong
and gave me a referral to a gynaecologist in Toowoomba. I did a bit of research
before going to see the DR and thought I may have PCOS, but that it seemed
highly unlikely considering I only had 1 symptom at the time (irregular or
absent periods) and was the complete opposite of overweight (and still am), which is a key PCOS symptom. I went to the gynaecologist in February 2011, where I
explained to him I thought I might have PCOS and he said it could be a
possibility but that it was unlikely. He asked to do an internal ultrasound
(which is on about the same level of comfortable as a pap smear). Within literally 30 seconds of beginning the
ultrasound the Dr looked at me and said “Well your left ovary appears to be
polycystic, but maybe its only one” he then moved over to the right ovary which
in fact looked worse than the left and he said “Nope, looks like theyre both polycystic,
see all the little bubbles, they are all cysts. Normal ovaries don’t have
those.” We finished the ultrasound and went back into his office. The first
question my mother asked him was “will she be able to have children?” and his
response was “It is possible, but highly unlikely it will happen naturally. You
will more than likely need to be on medication or IVF, and if you would like
children you will really need to get a wriggle on if you want more than one.
After you turn 26 years old it will become far more difficult to fall pregnant.”
He then reassured me that maybe I just had Polycystic Ovaries and not the
syndrome, as there is a difference. I got a blood test done which indeed
confirmed that I have PCOS. I then went onto a drug called Provera which
is a progesterone based drug used to help kickstart a period and then I went
back onto the pill. He also wanted to check for Endometriosis which can also hinder fertility, and the only way he could do that was via Laproscopy (day surgery in where they cut a small incision in the belly button and one along where your underwear sit and place a camera down the hole to have a look around) so in May 2011 I had my first ever surgery. No Endometriosis was found but they did discover I have a tilted uterus and burnt off some nerves due to some pain I was having. But everything else look fine and it was fixed, for now.
Fast forward to July 2012, I decided to come off the pill
because we thought it was causing my depression and anxiety (I will explain all
about that in another blog). I was lucky enough to get my period 32 days later
which is pretty good for me. I continued to have fairly regular cycles (only out
by a day or 2) until September 2012 where we decided we would stop preventing
having children. We weren’t “trying” but thought we should see what happens. In
late October, after 36 days and no period I decided to do an at home pregnancy
test in the afternoon. I left it on the counter and completely forgot I had
taken it until Jamie had come home. We were in the middle of an argument (which
funnily enough was caused by my hormones) and I yelled to him that I was
packing my sh*t and going to stay with Mum. He yelled back “yeah righto, there’s
two lines on this stick on the sink by the way”. I replied with “Whatever you
d*ckhead” (I can see you thinking, what a wonderful term of endearment, who wouldn't want to be with her!) as I thought he was kidding, then I walked into the bathroom and in
fact saw 2 pink lines. I immediately freaked out, raced down to the store and
bought 3 more tests. I took one that night which also came out positive and 2
more the next morning (different brands to be sure) and sure enough they were
both positive too. I was pregnant, or so we thought. Granted, the lines were
faint but very clearly visible on all tests. I called Mum and told her I
thought I was pregnant and she said to leave it a few days and test again and
it should be darker. So that’s what I did. I left it for 3 days and tested
again, except this time there was no second line. I was so confused. Still no
period but negative test after 4 positives? I did a lot of research and
discovered something called a “Chemical Pregnancy” in whereby, the egg is
fertilised, implants, produces HCG (which is what shows a second line on a
pregnancy test) but doesn’t grow. Basically a very early miscarriage. But I’m
not bleeding so I haven’t miscarried? Well on day 42 my period started, and I
was very upset, but relieved at the same time that at least I was getting a
period. We went on with our lives and continued the whole not preventing idea.
In December 2012 (the week before Christmas), I decided to test around day 38 after not getting my period.
I knew this time that it was better to use FMU (First Morning Urine) as the HCG
is stronger in the morning. Sure enough 2 pink little lines came up. I was once
again pregnant, and beyond excited! The next day I did another test, which was
also positive. Again very faint lines. I decided to leave it a few days and
would test on Christmas morning. Christmas morning came and I could barely
sleep the night before, I was so excited to test. But you guessed it, BFN (Big
Fat Negative). I was pretty upset but had a little bit of hope that maybe the
test was faulty. Later on that day I said to Jamie I thought I’d noticed the
tiniest amount of spotting when I wiped. He said not to worry about “Since when
do you spot before your period” (yes I have a very good listener for a husband
and apparently one that remembers what my cycles are like). Boxing Day morning
I woke up with cramping but didn’t think anything of it. I was so excited to do
another test and WARNING WAY TMI, as I held the cup in my urine stream I felt a
gush, I looked down and noticed blood and dropped the cup straight into the
toilet, I was so shocked. I got up, took the cup out of the toilet and put it in
the bin, put a pad on and burst into tears. I went and told Jamie and then laid
in bed. He came and cuddled me as I sobbed for the next 2 hours or so. Even
while typing this I am still emotional, no one really understands how hard it is to miscarry, even when it is so early on. We decided to go to the doctor on 1st
January to find out if maybe I just had multiple faulty tests and never was
pregnant. We went in and told him what happened and he said I could still be
pregnant regardless of my period and did an ultrasound, but there was nothing.
He agreed that it was more than likely I had experienced 2 very early
miscarriages or “Chemical Pregnancies”. Needless to say I was absolutely devastated,
but wanted to properly try for kids more than ever. So I went onto ebay and
ordered a whole bunch of OPKs (ovulation predictor kits). I started doing those
in January and finally got a positive on around day 21, turns out previously
having chemical pregnancies mucks about with your cycle. I was so excited and
told Jamie when he came home that we HAD to have sex right now and try for a
baby because I was ovulating. Well he refused (the trying part, not the sex
part, typical bloke) because he wanted to get married first. I was beyond furious. We
ended up having a huge argument, and if you read my intro, this is where he
tells me he was planning to propose on Valentines Day. Anyway, we agreed no
more trying until after we get married. Well luckily, because I never got a
normal period again after that. About 2 weeks later I had a very very light
period for about a week and then 22 days after that I was spotting for a few
days and then they stopped all together.
So in June this year (2013) we went to see a new
gynaecologist who did some blood tests and put me on provera again. My blood
tests actually came back to show that my hormone levels were really good and
only slightly elevated so my PCOS was really only very mild and had toned
itself down quite a bit, which was really shocking. I took the provera in June
and July, and decided not to take it in August as we agreed to start trying for
our first baby. I was so excited when Jamie agreed, I honestly thought it would
happen right away. I thought wrong. I didn’t get a period in August, or
September like I thought I would (I was hoping the Provera may have jump started
everything) and I definitely wasn’t pregnant. We were married on the 21st
September and went on our honeymoon on 7th October and guess what, I
got my period the very next day. Yep 2 days into our honeymoon I got my period.
I was thrilled to be having a period on my own! Jamie wasn’t so much. That was
when we realised that the Chemical pregnancies and the stress of planning the
wedding was more than I thought, I didn’t feel overly stressed but apparently I
was. So that brings us to November. I was 110% sure I was pregnant. I had ALL
the symptoms. Exhaustion, nausea, metallic taste, and this was the clencher and
how I “knew” I was pregnant, extremely sore breasts!! I had only ever experienced
sore breasts before a period once before while I was on Provera, but apparently
that was a side effect of the medication. So I started testing like a crazy
person (this is where I refer to being a POASA), once every day from 10dpo (10
days past ovulation) which is apparently the soonest you can expect a positive.
I quickly developed line eye (where you are sure you can see a second line but
no one else can) and was sure there was the faintest of faint lines on my
internet cheapy tests. After 32 days since my last period, I woke up and
thought, I might put a pad on just in case. I went to work that morning (a
Saturday) and thought nothing more of it. I kept complaining to my sister in
law that I was really crampy which was weird because I didn’t have my period.
We closed up shop at lunch time (the usual for a Saturday) and as I was driving
home I thought, “Sh*t these cramps are really starting to hurt, how weird.” I
got home and said to Jamie, I have the weirdest cramps, feels like I have my
period. He gave me a typical bloke answer “Well go check” so I did and yep,
there AF was (Aunt Flo or AF is what we use to describe a period in a nicer
way, could have used that earlier, woops). I was so excited that AF was here on
time, as it was exactly 2 weeks since ovulation, but of course disappointed I wasn’t
pregnant. However, I was glad to know that sore boobs meant AF coming not
pregnancy, so at least I’ll know when its coming next time. That will help me keep sane next month, I thought. Oh how wrong was I.
So all of that brings me to now. I am currently in my 2 week
wait and it is absolutely 100% the hardest 2 week wait I have had so far. I am
so miserable. I ovulated on day 18, we are now on day 26/8dpo and guess what, I
have very sore boobs. I HATE that I get sore boobs before my period now. At
least when my period showed up last month I was able to be hopeful the whole
time until it showed up and then only have that day to be a bit sad about it.
This month I have a WHOLE WEEK to be miserable. The feeling of not being
pregnant after 4 months is hard to explain to those who aren’t TTC, everyone
always says “Oh its fine it will happen eventually, normal couples take up to a
year.” Yeah NORMAL couples, how about those of us with PCOS?! Admittedly, I
have started testing already, I started at 6dpo because I read somewhere that
someone got a positive at 6dpo so maybe I could too. I already have serious
line eye, I’m tilting the tests in the light to see a line that most likely isn’t
there. However, I am not symptom spotting this month, as I am pretty sure I’m
out (an expression used to say AF is coming, pregnancy is highly unlikely). I
know it has only been 4 months and some couples take years but sh*t I don’t want
to be one of those couples. I want to be pregnant NOW!!! I am seriously
struggling emotionally and just want AF to hurry up so I can stop feeling sorry
for myself and try again. I know, I know, it will happen when it happens. “The
more you stress, the less likely it is to happen.” Logically this is true, but
it is so hard to be relaxed about something you want so badly. The amount of
disappointment and defeat you feel when you yet again get another BFN when you
know you are doing EVERYTHING right to get pregnant is incomprehensible for
those who aren’t trying. AF is due this weekend, and Hubby will be away, and I
honestly don’t know how I will cope if I’m really not pregnant. We have agreed
to go to the doctor next month and have a referral for the gynaecologist and
request to go on Femara, which is an ovulation inducing fertility drug commonly used for women with PCOS. The
side effects are minimal (or so ive been told) and it greatly increases our
chances of conceiving. We are hoping to start that in January.
Unfortunately this is the reality of Trying to Conceive. It isn't all exciting and spontaneous sex like everyone thinks it is and it doesn't always happen straight away. Turns out even when a man loves a woman and they make the decision to make a baby, you don't just have sex and wullah! Instantly pregnant, like they taught us at school. It is a very trying and emotional time, well at least it is for me.
So that is where I am at. So sorry for the novel today but I
don’t think anyone will come close to understanding the struggle I am dealing
with now unless they know what I’ve been through. If you made it the whole way
through reading this, you deserve a medal and you might know a lot more about
me than you did before. Hopefully this will help you if you are currently also
going through the process of baby making. Feel free to ask me questions, I am
now clearly an open book so ask away!
Until my next blog,
Much Love & Rainbows,
Kimberly
Xoxox
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