Anxiety: Part 1

Tonight I have decided to write about something else that very few people know about me. Now this will probably have to be written in parts as it is quite a long story and it won’t really make sense unless you know the background story. Now as you can tell from the title, this is going to be about my battle with Anxiety and Depression. However, I have a feeling this blog may turn into more about my eating disorders so feel free to skip this one if you like. It will be based on my battle with anxiety and depression during my school years and I will (hopefully) get to where I am at now in Part 2. Please also understand that while I am sharing this with the whole online world, it is still something very personal to me and I do realise I am sharing a weakness of mine so please remember to be kind! I understand that I am completely opening myself up for judgement (if not welcoming it) but my aim with these blogs is to try and help others going through what I’ve been through (and am still going through) and to let those of you dealing with the same issues that you are not at all alone. Anyway with all that said, let’s get started. (I will try to keep it short, I promise).

Where do I begin? I guess I should start with the fact that I do have a family of worriers, some who also have suffered with anxiety and some who are just generally highly strung. Therefor I suppose some might say I was “destined to be a “highly strung” (as my mother calls me) person’. However, I seemed to cope pretty well until (what I assume is part of the reason) I hit the early stages of puberty and my hormones started playing a large part in my life. At the time we had no idea I had PCOS, but I do personally believe (and this hasn’t been linked to PCOS officially, however after joining several PCOS support groups I have found that this is the case for A LOT of women with PCOS) that it is a big part of the reason why I developed anxiety. Having PCOS means your hormones are completely out of whack (Hormonal imbalance is a key symptom of PCOS), which in turn plays on your emotions and I believe then affects your mental strength and coping mechanisms. In my eyes, how is someone expected to cope when the hormones that affect your emotional state are completely warped? The reason why I believe my hormones have a big part to play in my struggle with anxiety is because I didn’t start to see any signs of anxiety until I was the ripe age of  11 years old (Grade 6, funnily enough also when everyone else was starting to get their period, except for me). On my first day of Grade 6, I was put into a composite 6/7 class which meant that we would be sharing a class with a few Grade 7s. I had been in composite classes before but it never really worried me. I was seated with a few Grade 7 boys as well as a friend from my grade, but as soon as I sat down I couldn’t breathe and felt very nervous and just sick. I went up to my teacher and told her I felt unwell and she sent me to sick bay and I went home. I had just experienced my second ever panic attack. My first one I experienced while sitting on the couch watching the news. I can’t remember how old I was, but I remember just sitting there and feeling extremely frightened all of a sudden for absolutely no reason. I ended up crying and saying to mum I felt sick and she put me to bed and I didn’t have another one again until Grade 6. To be honest, I don’t really remember how my eating disorder began, but I assume it was from anxiety about going to school. I couldn’t work out why I was so nervous about going but no matter what I did I couldn’t shake it. Then one night while I was eating dinner I got a bit of food stuck in my throat, it didn’t choke me but it felt extremely uncomfortable and made me very nervous. All I can recall after that is being too frightened to eat for fear of choking. I wouldn’t even eat my favourite foods, not even donuts! (for those of you who know me well, I very rarely turn down donuts, I am a real life Homer Simpson, drool and everything, just not as fat, but probably just as stupid). As the year went on, I lost a lot of weight and the only thing I would eat was liquid based foods. Anything pureed or milkshakes, and Sustagen became mine (and my mother’s) best friend. At 11 years old, I weighed about 32kgs. My parents took me to a paediatrician who explained to them that if they ignored the problem it would eventually go away, and it did at the end of the school year. Over the school holidays I managed to eat fairly normally and get back to my “usual” self. Then I started Grade 7. I can’t really remember how it happened this time as I am pretty sure my first day of school was fine. I was nervous, but I adored my new teacher. She was a lot of fun and ended up being extremely supportive. However, I somehow managed to develop yet another eating disorder, except this one was far worse. I refused to eat anything for a fear of vomiting. I have always been one of those people that cannot stand throwing up and my father is the exact same except he doesn’t seem to have a fear of it. Anyway, I ended up getting down to 28kgs, my Mother had to have a meeting with the Principal and teachers at school as they had never had to deal with a child with Anorexia Nervosa, well not in this form anyway. The reason most people have Anorexia is because they are unhappy with the way they look and are afraid of becoming fat, however I was just scared of getting sick, which was extremely difficult for anyone to comprehend. My parents (understandably) became very frustrated. They tried everything, letting me eat what I want, trying to force me to eat, trying to explain to me that if I didn’t eat I would die (which was true but I didn’t believe there was anything wrong with me) but nothing worked. They took me back to the same paediatrician as the year before and she reassured them that if they once again ignored the problem and let me prepare my own meals (I’m a bit of a hygiene freak) it should go away, and it did. I missed A LOT of school but still managed to be in the top 5 in my grade and received an Academic award upon Graduation (which completely shocked everyone, including my parents who nearly fell off their chairs). I didn’t begin to get better until after school had finished but over the school holidays I managed to get back up to about 35kg.

On the first day of Grade 8 (highschool), I didn’t know it at the time, but my parents were very nervous. They were worried that the transition of a new school would cause me to relapse. To everyone’s surprise I was completely fine. I still missed a lot of school because of anxiety and bullying, but I managed to complete the Year with mostly A’s and B’s in all classes (I think I may have gotten a C here and there too). In 2006, we moved and I started Grade 9 at a brand new school, in a brand new town knowing absolutely nobody. I even had to take the school bus for the first time ever, and yet this still didn’t trigger my anxiety. At the end of Grade 9 (TMI Warning) I finally got my period! I was at school and went to the bathroom between classes and realised it had shown up. I immediately texted my Mum (I’m so rebellious I know) to come and pick me up. I ended up being one of the unlucky ones who had horrible periods and unfortunately that meant that once every month or so (I had irregular periods) I would have to have about a week off school because of it. I still managed to do okay even though I was really badly bullied towards the end of Grade 9 and all through Grade 10. By Grade 11 I had found my feet and had a fantastic group of friends that I adored and that were very supportive. I was doing really well in all of my classes (except legal studies and maths, it bored me so much and I just didn’t understand it) and was managing to go to school like a normal kid (not missing too many days). That was until about September when I went on the contraceptive pill to (hopefully) help ease my periods and make them a bit more regular. This ended up making me extremely nauseous, but at the time we didn’t realise this was the cause, so I started missing school again. I then started to get really sick and could barely eat, it wasn’t an anxiety thing, I was always in pain in my lower stomach but it wasn’t appendicitis so the doctors couldn’t diagnose what it was. I went on a number of different antibiotics that never helped. Then finally they sent me for an ultrasound where they found I’d had an ovarian cyst rupture. I ended up missing almost a whole semester of school, but luckily enough my grades were good enough to be transferred over to the next year so I didn’t have to repeat the grade.

I was feeling anxious over school holidays about returning to school because I had begun to associate it with feeling unwell, so I decided to see a psychologist to hopefully gain some techniques on how to cope with nerves and anxiety. Unfortunately, she managed to make things far worse and tried to diagnose me with a whole bunch of things that I did not have (including OCD, which if you know me, I am far too lazy to have) and the only solution she offered was medication. I had to start school regardless, so we were just hoping once I was around my friends again that I would be fine. Unfortunately this was not the case at all. I started having panic attacks as soon as I got to school and just was constantly nervous. I managed to get through the whole term right up until exams. I went to school the week before exams and got extremely nervous once I got to class. I walked in and said to the teacher that I was having chest pains and couldn’t breathe properly. I then went up to sick bay and one of the admins there happened to be a former nurse and explained to me that I was having a panic attack (however I had never experienced one like this before my normal panic attacks consisted of feeling extremely nervous and hyperventilating but I never had the chest pains or shortness of breath before, let alone the hysterical crying). I stayed in sick bay crying for most of the day and begged them not to ring my Mum (she had an important meeting on that day and had told me not to call her) but they must have been at their wits end and called her without telling me as my mother was all of a sudden standing at the door of the sick bay looking furious. At the time she thought I was just being silly and thought I was just nervous but the school nurse came to have a meeting with us in the sick bay told us that her personal opinion was that I had severe anxiety and advised us that there was a tablet I could get from the health food shop that should help ease my panic attacks. My mother took me down to the doctor’s office straight away to see a nurse as the doctors were all busy. Seeing as I was still balling my eyes out and couldn’t work out why, the nurse advised that I needed to see a doctor, but that they couldn’t fit me in until after school. I went back to work with Mum and then after having lunch felt much better and wanted to go back to school for sport, so I did. (This is where I really believe PCOS plays a HUGE role in my anxiety, because those with anxiety can’t just switch it on and off like that) I went to the doctor that afternoon and he told my mother and I that he felt I had moderate depression and severe anxiety, to which my mother replied “well cant she just get over it” (at the time she was frustrated, I assume because she didn’t know how to fix it seeing as the psychologist made it worse, and she didn’t want to put me on medication) and the doctor explained to her that unfortunately it didn’t work like that and prescribed me some anti-depressants. As soon as we walked out of the Doctors surgery my mother and I both agreed this would be a last resort. So we went and got the herbal tablets the nurse was talking about and they seemed to work. I went back to school for a week while taking those and was feeling much better. That is until the first day of exams came around. My mum came into my room to wake me up for school but I was already awake and had been for hours, nervous about exams, unfortunately none of us had realised that missing a whole semester meant that I wouldn’t understand 90% of the work in Grade 12, and at the time I was too embarrassed to admit that I didn’t understand a single thing I was being taught, which was why I was so nervous. I didn’t want to fail the exams and look stupid in front of everyone. I explained to her I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to go to school. She was annoyed but understood and asked if I actually wanted to finish school (as she felt that was part of the problem with my anxiety, I was being bullied once again but this time I wasn’t able to cope with it even though it wasn’t as severe as the previous years). I hadn’t realised it was an option to drop out of school, but Mum explained that Dad would have to agree to it first (which I knew was pretty slim chances as he didn’t like it when I gave up on things, I have a habit of saying things are “too hard”, people mostly think that I’m lazy but it is actually because of a fear of failing, so I figure I may as well give up before people get their hopes up, another little secret I’m pretty sure no one knows, aren’t you lucky you read this far!). After much frustration from Dad and him saying “You must have a job and you must stick to it, there will be no doll bludgers in my house” (luckily I already had a part time job) and many tears from me, he agreed that there really wasn’t any other option if I wanted to stay sane without needing medication. So the very next morning Mum took me up to the Office at school and I dropped out of Grade 12 (conveniently after getting my Grade 12 jersey). I started seeing someone who performed Reike (a form of healing massage, a bit airy fairy) who was extremely helpful and I continued to take my herbal tablets when I needed them and they really helped. I even got a second job at a pub and absolutely loved it.  I managed to deal with my anxiety and was coping quite well with only a few panic attacks here and there (usually only when I was tired or sick). I was doing really well until last year. But I will save that for Part 2!

 Great job if you read through this whole thing!! Sorry it is so long but thought I’d better include everything! I’m not sure when I will get to Part 2 (hopefully soon) but I may do a separate blog about what it’s like to live with anxiety and I may include what it’s like for your partner/family to deal with someone who is living with anxiety. I can’t make any promises about that though as my family will need to be willing to participate in that but we’ll see.

Anyway thank you so much if you read this whole thing! If you are suffering anxiety, feel free to contact me, I am always happy to talk (as you can probably tell by now) but I am also a great listener (or so I’ve been told). Even if you know someone who is going through anxiety and/or depression and you aren’t sure how to support them, I am more than happy to offer some advice. Also, if you have any questions, ask away! As I have said before, I am an open book!

 

Much love and Rainbows,

Kimberly Xoxox